Insecure. Coward. Disciple

Coward.

That’s who I used to be before I met him.
I spent my days buried in my work.
Fish; I could understand, humans, not so much.

I wasn’t the smartest one around. I wasn’t the holiest. I sometimes masked my insecurities by saying the wrong things.

But the fish didn’t care.

Until I had a really bad day at work; you know those days where you’ve tried everything you know but it’s still not enough?

How would I feed my family if the fish decided to go on vacation?

But then I let some carpenter use my boat; and before I knew it, I was walking on the same water I used to fish.

This dude called me rock, propped up my self esteem.

The waves had got nothing on me.
We would conquer the world side by side.
But…he said he was going to die.

I wasn’t having that. And he wasn’t having the fact that I wasn’t.

Maybe I really am a coward. Who am I kidding? Someone like me isn’t qualified for stuff like this?
What if I fall? And the waves…
I took my eyes off him and looked around.
That’s when I began to fall.
But it would not be the last time.

Coward; that’s who I was that night.

Now I know why I’ve always preferred fish to chicken.
If I hear a cock crow, one more time!
If these feathery creatures remind me again of the night I denied him three times.

Hmmm. They have wings but cannot fly.
Cowards! Like me.

God, I’ve fallen really bad this time!
I’m a disappointment.
I couldn’t even do what Judas did.
I’m too cowardly to pay for my sins.
I know you no longer have use for me.
You keep trusting me and I keep failing.
Even if you forgive me, I know you may never use me.

I thought about all I would say if I could just see him one more time.
But he didn’t even let me speak. “Do you love me?” Take it from a man with a wife.

When a woman asks, it’s for confirmation.

But when he asked, it was an ordination.
The Coward?
Feed your sheep?
But there’s something about grace that finds cowards.
Something about Jesus that saves us who know that we can’t save ourselves.
Something about the spirit that catches the fallen, and makes us fishers of men.
I thought of Judas as I led 3000 to Christ yesterday; grateful I was cowardly enough to choose His forgiveness over my penance.

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